2004-02-06 - 4:13 p.m.
Ha Ha, me again.
I'd love to report that I am in a better mood, but I'd be lying. My body feels like it is made of bile, and my mind simply trying to stay afloat atop it, being corroded by the acids of pain and hate.
It's been another busy week, opening into a busy weekend.
Last weekend, we went to a play Saturday night, and then to Faery land, and home again. Sunday we went to play in another faery land, and were out too late. Monday was met with exhaustion and near catatonia, which played right into sleep after the work day. Tuesday I bought gifts for 21st birthdays of Da5id and Medieval Baebe. Wednesday was exercise all evening before sleep. Thursday was an attempt at rest, that didn't feel like it worked.
Tonight, Malraux enters the local weave, and perhaps I'll see him. His comming unfortunately stimulates my bile toward the Betrayer, fore he may interfere with me seeing him. Also, Mac has a party, which I'll be at for most of the evening.
Tommorrow there is a book signing and a play on the menu, and it will be the last day which I can see Malraux.
Sunday takes us back to a birthday party.
I am filled with a loathing of the race, because distopia is no more real than eutopia, and yet there is a pervasive need to screw things up. I know its hard to get things right, but isn't it worse to not even try? Probably not. It is probably easier to not even try, cause at least then you didn't fail.
I'll get better, I am just swimming in seas of other people's bull. I'll be fine if I can sink into some of my own. If there is no truth, the least you can do is look for some pretty lies, rather than stare at ugliness and call it "true" for conveniences' sake.
If life is easy, you are either doing it wrong, or doing it very right. I am doing it the hard way, because it suits my nature. I don't believe in violent revolution, or fixing things. I don't believe in convincing others. I believe in believing, and learning your own "truth". I am just sick of people trying to pretend everything is true. All external senses are false, so know yourself, and forget the rest. It'll keep you busy for a lifetime, probably even a few of them.
I am diseased. I fight infection, but it lingers. It is all a matter of language probably. I am spewing much of my infection here, so try not to catch it. I am not trying to spread the disease. I am highlighting and releasing it, and most importantly, pointing out that no matter how real it feels, it is just another lie. It is simply one that is popular.
Some think they should know if they are ready to kill another man. If they can make that decision. If that is all you can do, you suck. Killing is instinctual and near reflexive when it comes down to a genuine threat (provided you haven't unprogrammed your instincts). Here is a much better question. Are you ready to die? Can you say you did well by others, or at least tried to. Did you accomplish what you wanted, or at least attempt to? If a man comes to you in need and rage, are you capable of dying for them? Could you surprise someone today with how good the world could be? Have you rolled with the waves, and picked yourself up off the rocks? Did you strive to make the world better in any way? Did you strive to at least make your own world a better place?
Of course, if you come looking for my life, I'll kill you, cause I am not done yet. And if you beat me, then I'll accept that, grudgingly.
Take Care.
