2004-02-13 - 4:40 p.m.
Hallo,
Okay, finally I can report I am in a better mood. I am not healthy, so forgive me that. But I have found my feet, and fortunately they have been beneathe me all along. I may also have given a poor impression of myself previously. I have been toying with my own hurt feelings, rather than letting them go. The entirety of everything is simpler and more complicated than it seems. The last entry has had people comming out of the wood work to help me. I am sorry your assistance has not meant more than the good will with which it was given, but even that is invaluable.
Life has been good. The daily routine has been pleasant if not frickin wonderful. Everything runs smoothly, and I have gotten by in good graces. The stress in my life is generally external, other than the "dread thing which we dance on eggshells around".
As far as that goes, I am going to say some things. Please forgive me if they are offensive. I was deeply hurt by what happened. I think you all got that. If I could see a way for things to get better, I'd leap on it. I even know where that path wanders, but alas, I do not know that it can be walked on, and it is full of peril anyway. Makes Dantes little trek through hell look like a game of hopscotch. I am not one who holds to condemnation easily, and generally enjoy giving others the benefit of the doubt. However this is not one of those situations.
People are looking at this as a Bishonen tragedy in my personal opinion, which is all well and good, cause that is what it feels like, but it isn't. I am sorry for my part in allowing this myth to continue, but I end it here. See, while it hurts me, it isn't about me. It is about people.
Life is too short to hold grudges, and condemn friends forever, when they are redeemable. However, life is also too short to endure jerks. Space is a good thing to give them, and let them work out their problems away from you, when you can't tolerate them anymore. I simply have limits on how much I can put up with, and a firm grasp of how long time is, so leaving people to themselves for a bit now again can do wonders.
Now thinking about people who have hurt me, and specifically me, I can think of only one. Ferret wounded me. In six months I was ready to start again, however, it did cost me the last of our time in proximity. It was what had to be paid. The whole time I knew it would pass, cause the only pain was mine. Everything else was karma.
The way people lose me as a friend is when I see them treat others badly. I have gained almost all my enemnities this way. I had planned on going through the people I have left, because they were friends who harmed other friends, but then you might learn something about a friend of yours you didn't want to know. It however has happened a lot. Sometimes I hold the grudges longer than the people who suffered them, which is silly, but that is generally with people who never meant much to me. See, part of caring for someone, for me, is feeling what they feel, and reacting to it. If you hurt my friends you hurt me. If you do it, because that is the way it had to go, I forgive. However, if you act wrongly, I won't forget it, and forgiveness is given on redemption.
Yeah, that makes me a hard ass on some things, but when I say wrong, I mean wrong. And I only judge whether you are good for my company, so I am fairish. It is my time after all, and my love to give as freely as I choose.
I still answer hard questions when asked them, though the right answer might take me a whiel to find, but as I find it, I am willing to share.
Here is a short answer for some people. What happened isn't my fault, though I feel guilty about it. I have done what can be done to fix it. I have space in my heart ready to take him back. I also know that that isn't enough. He earned what he has. He doesn't have to pay, cause I don't insist on anything, but I am also not going to hold to tightly to anything. Past is past, and while it hurts, it is over. That is the end of it for me. I have done my work. I have wracked my brain for ways to fix it, and done what I can. Life doesn't always work out pretty, but things are the best they can be right now.
I am starting to feel better. That is a huge step. Now please be as patient as I am.
Take care.
