2004-05-21 - 3:25 p.m.
I have been looking forward to this entry all week, but now that now is now, I am not as overjoyed, but I still hope it will be a worth while entry.
Last weekend rocked, if it was actually only last weekend. The weekend was a wonderful blur of activity. The play went fine on Friday, and I got home and slept. Saturday I went to Pop and then out to eat with my real family, not the blooded ones. Then I took a nap, and we did the play thing again. Once again, it went well. Then we tore down in rapid time, rushed back home, for cast party. After the cast party I went to "No Exit" which rocked my socks. Watched it from the cat walk, which was a wonderful way to see it. It had a good script, which I am sure took a lot of reading of various translations to put together. It is pathetic how much I like "No Exit." The I went to the Live Journal Wall, which had too many highschool students at it, but I got what I came for. LJ's to read. Though devour is more like it. So I got to sleep around 2. I then woke up at 6 to take Eclipse to the airport and reunite her. It was a lovely experience. On the way back, I stopped and saw my blood family. It was very nice. I picked up mail, and saw both of my brothers. I then went home, and ran out to see Kill Bill 2. Also fun. Came home and crashed. Went to LARP, but my batteries ran out real fast as soon as the sun began to dip. Tuesday I went to dinner with my Mom and bro, to celebrate her birthday. Thursday I cleaned. I am fairly certain that monday and wednesday were casualties of exhaustion, as has been the day time cost of everyday this week. Now it is Friday, and graduation celebration. Celebration will be had, though I do not feel quite like it.
See here is what has really been happening this week. I have been reading. Reading other peoples lives, or at least what they present of it on the internet. It was fascinating how much and how little they'd say. I gave advise, and then took it.
So I looked through my record here. I read all my old entries to see if there was anything I should write commentary on. I have decided against that. I don't really see any I feel like writing more about. However, I caught up on things all around, and was pulled back into my past for a bit. Not the shiny parts, unfortunately. This was all today. I was preparing for a nice long philosophical entry today, and you will still get it, but not as shiny as I hoped it would be.
I was going to tell you of the Schema, an idea handed to me by a wise man, and I was inturn, going to show you my application and interpretation of it (cause I forget the actual original form, though it is probably better than mine). Instead, I will share my death with you. My ideas about it. My need for it.
Life changes, and people change. Death is the force from which new life springs. In our everyday lives, new things come into bloom, and old things whither and die (or vice versa). Parts of ourselves rise, fall, and pass on. Recognizing these transitions are important. Death helps clear the slate. When decay surrounds you, and the smell of rot overpowers yoursense, it is time to die. Now if you hadn't caught on already, I am speaking metaphorically. I used to die on a regular basis, every year, or more frequently. Whenever I found that something key in me needed rebirth. I have not done this in a long time. I was gently running through my kingdom, smashing all the temples built in god's name, and laying waste to them. I looked at the wreckage, and noticed in the rubble that there were already a lot of things laying in rubbish piles. My work, while tragic and horrible, was merely something that was already happening. So I am dead again. I can rebuild. Bigger, better, stronger than before. It is funy, because the greatest temples I built were fine. Usually it was those temples that made me destroy the rest in the past, but they stood, pearly as ever. This is a new experience for me. My Love stays the same, but the rest of me needs rebuilding. In the past it was always the other way around. So there is my summer project. Making me. I always liked Phoenixes.
Now I want to explain the past, as it is an important corrollary to all of this. It is what gave birth to this process. Love is an intimate thing. It exists between two people, even if they are participating in it at different levels. My love for any person is different than my love of any other, though their are similarities. So I would fall in love. The person my love went to would not feel the same. This would cause them distress, hurting them. What else could I do, but destroy that love? Forgive me, I was young, and whether this is my most noble deed, or most heinous crime, I am uncertain. So I used my love of that person to destroy itself. None of this hate and resentment, which is such an easy taint. I could hardly feel that I was the same afterward, with such an important part of me crushed by my own heel, so I was reborn. The virtues I held dear brought back up, and my heart renewed to love again. It has been a long time since those days, and I don't think I have the strength for that anymore. That, and I have been more successful. My Love is My Love, and while other have been a part of it, they have not been hurt by it. I have learned to change its shape,rather than kill it. I have learned to make take on other forms (though I am not sure how well these experiments are working out). Love can be forced into the shape of friendship quite nicely. Merely have to cull the eros a bit.
As far as my persona, of late it has been that of the Satyr. I chose this because it would quickly repell anyone unable to cope with Lust, since eros is an important part of my life, along with the other aspects of Love. I am tired of it. It covers up my face too much, which has been the point up until now, but I am not sure what to do. I am still an essentially erotic creature, but our culture has so little idea that this can fit in with finer sensitivities, and I certainly am at a loss for a way to convey my feelings. I am also not convinced that revealing myself is a good idea ever, given the misunderstanding and abuse I have faced from people who should know better.
I simply want to make people understand, which is hell of course. "No Exit." I'll probably wise up by the time I put myself together. I usually just buck up, and say "they don't understand" but perhaps I am contributing to your ignorance by not trying to speak your language. Not trying to fit into a sphere you can see. I am sorry. I have little patience, but I hope to change that. Or maybe I won't.
So here I am naked and dead, waiting to wake up. I'll tell you about the schema soon I hope.
Told you I was goth (also secretly a drama queen, but that has probably leeked out now. Don't take this as anything more than an important metaphore)
Thank you all.
