2005-02-14 - 3:46 p.m.
Happy Valentine's Day.
So where have I been the last couple weeks? Growing spiritually. That's fancy talk for getting the crap kicked out of me spiritually, but not falling down. On the plus side, I feel a lot better about myself and the world I live in. On the downside, it is a bit rough now.
So Monday night, before the last post, Love announced she was moving out. That naturally caught me a bit offguard, and knocked me down for a bit (I'll get back to this). I started getting back up on Tuesday, but had some ways to go. Tuesday was spent with Aesgardian in the evening. Things started leveling on Thursday. Saturday I went to Parrish for my brother's birthday. It was really nice. Came home from that, and went to Faery Game with friends from Parrish. It was an awesome evening. Sunday went out to Arcadia to celebrate Shadowedges' youngest sisters birthday. That was also pleasant, but we were exhausted after that. Monday, Love ended things with Chris, while Shadowedge and I watched "Finding Neverland." It was a good evening, overall. Tuesday I don't recall. Wednesday was bad movie night, with "From Justin to Kelly" exemplifying bad formula use. Thursday we went to "Kinsey" for date night. It was an excellent film. Friday I went to Vagina Monologues alone. Saturday, went to a festival all day, came home and went to Faery Game, where the Plooters had returned, and ran an extended dream session. Then went to PCP and stayed out real late, running into random people one after another. It was a good evening. Slept in Sunday, did laundry, and watched "Armies of Darkness" in honor of the season with Shadowedge.
That's what I have been up to. Here is more than you wanted to know about where things are and have been.
So this summer, I had fallen into a tight circle of friends, and lost touch with much of the world. I like to think that I had accidently started to mature, a process I have reversed for the good of all. In the early fall, Love started getting distant, and in general I became marginalized due to scheduling and lack of energy. This put me in a bad place. Now, add to this Love deciding to expand the relationship. Given the already present distance, I felt that forced opening was necessary to preserve things. So I pushed myself, and within a couple months exposed all manners of personal demons, and was able to go from hating Chris to benevolent neglect. Love and I argue frequently throughout this period. We also opened things up, inspite of fear and anxiety. Unfortunately with all of this work, I stayed pretty depleted, and Love didn't come back. The distance stayed. Things didn't get better. It occured to her on the last Sunday in January, that moving out would make her feel better, and bring her back to us.
So here is what is happening. She knows she feels overcrowded and lacking in mental space, so she is moving out. She also wants to stay in the relationship, so she is moving into the closest apartment available to ours. I am taking up her rent, as my other roomies have no money. She moves out in mid-march. I have cancelled my birthday celebration as I will not have the time or energy to organize it, but Love will throw me a party instead. Shadowedge and I are coping with the distinct lack of her presence, even though her body is around, as well as getting used to the idea of moving. She is anxiously awaiting getting out. Things are tense, but I am not worried, because I found what I was missing, and have my esteem and confidence back. I have my optimism. Things are not going to be pleasant, probably not for the next 8 months, but I am ready for it. At least that is what I tell myself, and so far, as the situation continues to deteriorate, I find that I really am dealing well with it. I am almost as bad as Pangloss with my optimism.
